We are on the road to
Summerfest Summerslam and tonight RAW is LIVE from the festering dump in the middle of nowhere known as Oklahoma City! It’s been one hell of a weekend for the WWE as far as PR is concerned. Will the crowd chant you-know-who’s name or will they conform like good little sheeple? What happens if Mr. America shows up? How will the IWC complain about Kevin Owens’ treatment this week? How many times will Michael Cole say ‘vintage!’ tonight? RAW starts now!
-Cold open recap of Brock Lesnar and the Undertaker from Battleground and last week’s RAW.
-With another awkward quasi-botch from Lilian, the Authority and their stepson Seth Rollins are introduced to begin the show proper. Triple H goes into spiel mode. Four hours for Summerslam! Oh boy! Big Show vs. Dean Ambrose is announced for tonight. Also announced: Paige v. Sasha Banks, Kevin Owens (who is put over strong by HHH, take note smarks) vs. Randy Orton, and Alicia Fox & Nikki Bella vs. Charlotte & Lucky Charms. Holy crap, we’re announcing matches ahead of time again?
Seth takes the mic and rambles about how awesome he is and how great CrossFit is for a minute, then asks the crowd to stand up and herald him as the greatest World Champion ever. Obvious bait is obvious and here comes John Cena for the rebuttal. Cena calls Rollins a jackass and a joke and the marky crowd eats it up. Cena (who looks pretty sleep deprived here, poor dude) wants a World Title match – TONIGHT! Rollins is like “aww hell nah”, but Amazon Steph in her porn star heels pooh-poohs that and asks the crowd to decide if there should be a World Title match tonight. “Yes!” chants, but Steph says “fuck you” to the fans and tells Cena to earn his title shot. Triple H then chimes in and says Cena does have a title match tonight, but it’s for his US Title… and it’s against Seth Rollins.
-Tough Enough ads. I hate Tough Enough.
–Dean Ambrose vs. Big Show
-The Miz is on commentary, Lord help us. There is no way to recover his heat in the feud against Big Show after the squash last week. He blathers on about how awesome he is and how his immune system is stronger than Ryback’s. In the ring, at least Show is bumping for Ambrose a little bit. Ambrose loses his wifebeater early in the match and now looks like some random schlub plucked from the crowd with just a pair of blue jeans on. They do a spot where Show has Ambrose in an ankle lock and Ambrose escapes by undoing the laces on Show’s wrestling boot. I’m… not sure why that would cause you to let go of a surefire submission hold, but okay. Ambrose kicks out of the choke slam because finishers are worthless in WWE now. Match ends after Ambrose attempts a dive on Show and Show counters with a knockout punch. That’s actually a good way to end a match in a count out if you ask me.
Winner: Big Show via count out – actually not as horrible a match as I thought it would be.
-Some schilling for the Network
-A Total Divas promo. I hate Total Divas too.
–Fandango vs. Neville
Announcers hype Neville’s recent rivalry with Stardust. Fandango gets an impressive Gory Special looking submission hold but Neville fights back with flippy shit. He hits the Red Arrow and… thanks for playing, Fandango.
Winner: Neville – a total squash match.
-Afterwards, Stardust pops up on the Tron and cuts a Joker-esque promo (Jack Nicholson Joker, that is). He wants Neville to be his hero. Byron Saxton: “It’s like he’s got a thermostat and it’s permanently set on kooky!” – someone legitimately thought that was a good line… bloody hell.
-Paige, Charlotte, and Lucky Charms are backstage when they are interrupted by B.A.D. Catty bitching back and forth by both groups ensues. Charlotte needs something more than doing daddy’s ‘WOOO!’ gimmick over and over. Lucky Charms fumbles her one line. Not a great segment.
–Sasha Banks vs. Paige
Naomi has light up wrestling boots. Just thought I would give you my Naomi update since she’s not wrestling this week. A short Sasha video package plays before the match to introduce her and her character to the RAW audience at-large. Commentators sound bored throughout most of this. Nice Japanese armdrag by Paige early on. Double dropkick spot by both Divas. All the babes (and Becky) on the outside find themselves ejected halfway through the match. Sasha gets the straightjacket choke on Paige and drives a knee into the dirty Brit’s back for added insult to injury. I’m impressed by how much time this match is getting. Some more back and forths, but the match ends with Sasha countering a slam from Paige and hitting the backstabber followed by the Bank Statement for a tap out victory.
Winner: Sasha Banks – best match so far and a much needed win for Sasha to establish herself.
-Seth Rollins is interviewed by Renee Young. He proclaims himself ‘the Man’ again and blah blah blah he hates Cena.
–WWE 2K16 schilling – I love Arnold, I think he’s the greatest actor in history (no, seriously – ask me about it sometime), but I don’t really give a crap about the Terminator being in the game.
-The Bulgarian Love Machine, Rusev, cuts a promo with Summer Rae. He says Summer is ‘hot and obedient’ which is exactly how a woman should be. Rusev has bought her gifts to show his appreciation. First he has a cute little dog that is clearly way too excited to be held by Summer. She asks what the dog’s name is and Rusev says since the dog is neutered it should be ‘Dog Ziggler’. Yeah, that was kinda funny. He then gives her a dead fish, which Summer is less impressed by – but Rusev wants to get his joke over, so he calls the cold fish ‘Lana’. Less funny. Lana interrupts, calls Rusev a liar and a misogynist and asks the crowd to donate to her Patreon. Summer counters and says that after all the years Rusev had to snuggle up to this (she holds up the fish) now he gets to cuddle up to THIS (she does a sexy pose). Sorry, but.. yeah, Summer Rae really is an upgrade if you ask me. This debacle better end with Lana getting slapped by a fish. Instead, Lana kicks Summer in the cooch and smothers her face into the fish, then slaps Rusev and leaves. JBL: “I knew something smelled fishy…” picard_facepalm.jpg
-Replay of the Lesnar/UT package from the top of the show.
–Lucha Dragons vs. Los Matadores
Lilian introduces the Lucha Dragons in Spanish and, well, I don’t speak Spanish but she probably botched it. (You’re welcome, Ralph.) Prime Time Players are on commentary again, which is fine by me. Titus ‘O Neil should be on color every week. Dropkicks, kippups, and flippy shit to start. Primo botches some kind of springboard DDT attempt. Michael Cole tries to bury Darren Young, so Titus in turn buries Byron Saxton. The commentary is more entertaining than the match right now. Matadores take firm control with some decent offense. Lovely double underhook suplex by Primo on Sin Cara. Crowd goes quiet. Titus gives away that the Matadores are Primo and Epico by repeatedly calling them ‘Puerto Rican bullfighters’. Kalisto takes control after a hot tag, but wait! Here comes the New Day! The New Day SKIP their way down to the ring to get in the PTP’s faces. Kalisto gets the win in the ring with a generic roll-up in the confusion! The tag division is in disarray, Maggle!
Winners: Lucha Dragons – decent, but both teams have been used as fodder enough that neither is over with the crowd anymore.
-Bray Wyatt and Luke Harper enter. Wyatt waffles on about family, then says your mommies and daddies don’t love you because they lie to you. “I used to have a pet, man,” says Bray, who goes on to ramble some more. Luke Harper gets a turn on the mic and he sounds about 100% more cognizant than Bray. They finally get to the subject of Roman Reigns. Bray says this is Roman’s hill to die on and he needs to keep his ‘brother’ Dean Ambrose out of this conflict.
–Charlotte & Becky Lynch v. Nikki Bella & Alicia Fox
Lots of armdrags from Becky to start. Charlotte puts Nikki in Charlotte’s Web for two then chops away. Wooo! Nikki regains the upper hand and tags in Alicia. Crowd is incredibly quiet. Charlotte gets the vintage Flair kneedrop on Alicia. Heels get back in control and Alicia hits a sexy Northern Lights suplex for two. Alicia does a modified surfboard on Charlotte, and despite having her own shoulders down on the mat in what should be a pinning predicament for about a 10 count right in front of the derpy ref there is no count. Idiot. The finish comes out of nowhere as Becky gets Alicia in her ARMBAR (™ Chris Jericho) submission after a foiled rollup attempt. O-kay then.
Winners: Charlotte & Becky Lynch – pretty meh stuff; finish was either botched or rushed.
-Tough Enough recap. I don’t care.
-Sheamus is out for commentary on the next match… OF COURSE he won’t get involved in the outcome, right?
–Randy Orton vs. Kevin Owens
They go face to face to start. Surreal to see the bronzed Adonis superstar Randy Orton nose to nose with pasty white Canuck indie darling Kevin Owens. Sheamus steals the internet’s line and calls his adversary “Randy Boreton”. Cute. Slow start moving in and out of the ring until KO catches Orton on the ringpost and does a pretty cool looking fallaway slam into the barricade outside the ring. Owens mocks Orton by stealing his pose, but Randy quickly counters with his backbreaker spot. Owens with a springboard kneedrop. This match is slooow. KO misses a cannonball in the corner as the crowd finally comes to life a little with some “Randy” chants. Clotheslines and a powerslam, then an overhead throw by Orton. Orton goes for the DDT on the ropes but KO counters and the match spills outside again. Randy whips KO into the barricade and Sheamus gets up and Brogue Kicks Orton for the DQ. Sheamus and Owens want to beat down Orton some more but Cesaro makes the save and pummels KO and Sheamus. Cesaro gets all HULKED UP but runs straight into a clearly telegraphed Pop-Up Powerbomb from Owens like a doofus. The feuds must continue!
Winner: Randy Orton by DQ – dogshit match; looks like we’re heading for a tag match or a four-way; best part was actually Sheamus’ smack talk about Orton.
-Renee Young interviews John Cena. Cena says it’s put up or shut up time for Rollins. Pretty bog-standard Cena promo.
-Smackdown hype – Nikki Bella vs. Lucky Charms advertised
–MAIN EVENT: United States Title Match: John Cena (c) vs. Seth Rollins
The intrigue here is that the World Heavyweight Champion (Rollins) could take the US Title in this match and become a double champion. “Let’s Go Cena / Cena Sucks” chants. Seems more favorable to Cena here in the middle of the country. Jockeying to start. JBL compares Seth Rollins to Floyd Mayweather because both their egos are out of control. Cena misses a Stinger Splash and Rollins gets a two count. Vertical suplex by Rollins for two. Cena goes into the Five Moves of Doom sequence but Rollins keeps countering. Cena hits a leaping Tornado DDT for two. The AA is countered by Rollins who dumps Cena outside and hits him with a suicide dive. Knee strike off the top rope on Cena but Rollins only gets a two. Cena regains the advantage with a forward electric chair drop but can’t get the three count. (The replay shows Rollins absolutely faceplanting on that bump – looked nasty). Both guys trade stiff punches until Rollins gets the upper hand with a big jumping knee to the face. Cena’s nose is BUSTED OPEN! I wonder if that knee was a receipt for the previous bump? Cena jumps up and gets some pretty good shots in on Rollins in return, but the match settles back to a work soon enough.
Rollins manages a corner powerbomb for two as Cena’s nose GUSHES blood all over the canvas. The ringside doc has to come in and plug Cena’s nose. Rollins goes for the Pedigree but Cena counters and hits the springboard Stunner. Cena goes for the AA but Rollins slips out and hits a superkick… BUT JOHN CENA’S GOT NEW JAPAN FIGHTING SPIRIT! He jumps up and hit the AA, but only gets a two! The cameras show a close-up of Cena’s nose and… SWEET JESUS he looks like Rocky after 10 rounds. His nose is literally turned sideways. Sick. Rollins goes upstairs but misses his flippy shit splash. Cena quickly locks Rollins in the STF and Rollins taps!
Winner and still US Champion: John Cena – a good television main event to advance the feud, but wow… so much respect for Cena at being able to finish that match after that sickening knee strike broke his nose.
Overall, a pretty decent show with at least two solid matches (Paige vs. Sasha and the main event). Whatever you do, DO NOT watch that main event if you’ve got a weak stomach or you’re a lady who admires John Cena’s looks.